I mean, that's what blogging is usually about right? Some random person talking about themselves and their life experiences trying to offer some sort of advice? That's what I thought it was all about. I'm not known for being a WISE girl who is also KIND OF religious and could be a DECENT writer, you know? So why would anyone want to come and read my silly blog?
LIKE THAT'S WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD WHEN I'M TRYING TO POST SOMETHING!! My mind is a joke, y'all. I'm insane.
Alright, let me get to the point... I am VERY self-conscious as you can probably tell. Yeah, that's the whole reason for this blog... My lack of self confidence. This may seem silly but I think everyone goes through it!
For me, I am always trying to find something "amazing" to do with my life. Unfortunately, nothing ever lives up to the word "amazing" in my book. I'm always trying to write an "amazing" blog or get an "amazing" body or change someone's life and become "amazing."
But what does amazing mean? It is perceived differently to everyone. I don't believe we can all look at one thing and think "that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen." So why in the world am I always trying to live up to this expectation that really just doesn't exist?
I know why. Because a few years ago I did something that I thought was amazing. I made a dance team I didn't think I could make. I followed my dreams and not many people can say they've done that. Not many people can say that they followed their dreams and then gave it all up a year later. Yeah, I did that too.
I think I did it because I was going through a lot of things that just couldn't be fixed when I was on the team. I messed up, y'all. I was not Leah. And the people around me, including myself, couldn't accept me for all my flaws. I still get sad about quitting because the following two years after I left, the team won gold at nationals. That could've been me... That could've been my amazing.
But know this, y'all... I wholeheartedly believe that quitting that team was by far the most amazing thing I've ever done. I am Leah now. Sometimes the most important decisions we make are the hardest. If your gut is telling you to do something then YOU HAVE TO DO IT!
I was once the girl who followed the status quo. I thrived off of the attention, the awards, the outfits, the identity... And I gave that up to stay true to myself. It may not be the amazing I had in mind, but it's pretty fuckin awesome. It was something I didn't WANT to do but I knew I HAD to do it.
I don't need to convince anyone that I am a better me because those who know me just know. I don't have everything figured out. I am a 21 year old student living in a place that I don't love, I have an 11 year old dog who isn't house trained, I work two jobs going on three, and I am a mess. But how beautiful is it that we can be so tragic sometimes and still make it out alive? Newsflash y'all, you DO NOT have to have it all right now.
Amazing is just a word. It's the meaning behind it that matters and you wanna know something funny? No one really knows the meaning of amazing! All I know is that everyday I plan to wake up thankful and happy for EVERY decision I've made that's gotten me to where I am today. I may be self-conscious and I may have a lot to figure out, but I will not live my life trying to exceed this expectation of amazing I've placed upon myself. You shouldn't either.
So let's wake up tomorrow morning and make the best of our day. We don't have to be amazing, but we should smile because each day is new. We will mess up, we will fall, we will get back up, and we will do it all over again. And THAT is amazing, my friends.
Til next time,
Leah
